Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
