opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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