I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
