I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
