I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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