My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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