I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Sext me about skeletons
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
