did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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