a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
