Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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