It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
