i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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