Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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