I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
