she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
