how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
