How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
