Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
