I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize