Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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