it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
