Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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