Me too!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
