when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
