omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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