I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
