the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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