I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
