Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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