I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
