so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
