I wish I could teleport
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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