How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We need to rekindle our bromance
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
