I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we made out on top of his cat.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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