no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
