It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
