God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Your dad touched me again.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
