just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
