Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are my feet made of real feet?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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