his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
