I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
