You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
