She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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