Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
