She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Drunk is a universal language darling
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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