I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
