after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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