turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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