I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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