So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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