So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
