I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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